Anxiety in Momma land: A Pro/Con List

**This blog post is based solely on my own experiences with my panic disorder, and my own personal demons. It is in no way a reflection of what anxiety looks like to everyone, nor should it be taken as such. This is in no way a complete list of the pro and cons that accompany living with a panic disorder.**

Anxious again. I don't know if I can do this. But my kids are awake. They need me. I don't want to go out there. It's all too much. I can't struggle through another day. But they love me. So I have too. Or do they? Do I love them? Of course I love them. Idiot! Do they know that I love them? I think so... Am I totally screwing up as a parent? Obviously. Five more minutes. They will be ok if I lay here for five more minutes right?! What if they find the cleaning products? Or hang themselves from blinds? Or drown themselves in the sink?! Or what if someone beaks into my house while I'm in the bedroom and gets to my kids before I can?! I can't dwell on that now or I'll never get up, frozen in fear... Sitting up now. That's progress. I'm a mean mom. I should be nicer to my children. Stop yelling at them. Right now.  Am I abusive..? No. Don't go there. Deep breathe. I would never hurt my babies!! Time to feed them... They are watching cartoons again because I can't seem to get it together. I hope they aren't addicted to it... They've eaten though. Diapers are clean, so at least there's that. I need to bathe them. I'm not doing enough! Why am I not doing more?! I'm a terrible mother and an even worse housekeeper, so why try. I'm frozen out of fear. More TV it is. Deep breathe. Baby steps. No more sitting around. Time to go to work. I'm stronger than this. I am a good momma, I am a good momma, I am a good momma, I love my kids...

Hi. My name is Tiffany, and I have a panic disorder combined with a type of OCD called "Super O." It's not as "super" as it sounds. Trust me. My emotional demons get in the way of my being the mother and wife that I want to be, and sometimes they steal my mommahood all together. In the midst of my battles though, I try to keep in mind that while having a panic disorder can be daunting, it can also have an up side. Anxiety has taught me a lot about myself. What my limits are. Things that scare me. How to keep going when it seems impossible to do so, and what I refuse to be defined by. Here are a few of the pros and cons that I've noticed in my short time fighting with this intrusive dragon that keeps me on my toes.

Heightened Senses

Being anxious means that your fight or flight response is triggered, making your senses more efficient. You are now better able to calculate how to fight off some ninjas, or get the heck out of dodge, should you need too.

Pro: I am acutely aware of what is going on around me when anxious. Painfully so. From my husband talking to me, to my toddler rolling around on the floor, singing to herself, to my cat sleeping on the couch, the dryer running, my dog looking in the window, and my boys squealing at each other. I know what's up. If you ever lose track of someone in a public place, and I'm feeling anxious, I'm your girl! It comes in especially handy in a crowd of people where I need to keep all eyes focused on my babies. Like at the zoo or the grocery store. Where did my kids go? They're right there. They just finished jumping up and down. Now Nathan is yelling at Lily to get up off the floor and stop laying on "his" blue tile. She just yelled back, "you have to share!" Matthew is on my lap licking my arm. Thanks for noticing...

Con: Every little thing my kids do, drives me bananas. Especially the noise level. It's like sensory overload. You try telling your toddlers that the their singing is like nails against a chalk board, or that if they don't stop saying momma, momma is gonna lose it.They could not even be making a noise with their mouths. Just tapping their leg against their chair, or making their toy car or train fly around the room. Perfectly normal kid sounds. Just too much for this anxious mess. This is when I try to take a deep breathe, and send them upstairs to play, or turn on a movie, because I know that they aren't trying to bug me, but I have to get right in the head, or my anxiety will make me lash out. That's not fair to them. It isn't their fault. Period. They are just kids, being kids!

Emotionally Sensitive to Others

Sometimes it feels like a super power to be able to know when some is going through something hard, or is feeling something intense. Being emotionally aware of other people's feelings makes you more approachable and friendly to those around you.

Pro: Making friends comes naturally to me, and I cherish that gift! People like to talk to me, and I enjoy talking to them. It makes both parties feel loved and cared about. Being able to sense when someone needs you, and being able to let them into your world is a beautiful thing that most friendships are based on. I am very grateful for my close friends and family members that cherish me, even though I'm a nut job. This skill has also taught me boundaries. I NEED boundaries. I know that I can only give so much, or my family, and myself suffer because of it. I am only willing to let very few people into my inner sanctum to see me at my most anxious. That is a very private, and vulnerable place that very few people are permitted to see, as I don't really care to be hurt. I don't need your opinion on what my panic attack looks like to you, because you aren't the one experiencing it, nor do I care to listen to you try to calm me down. I am trying. Being anxious is painful enough. Let's not make it worse. It's a form of self protection.

Con: I could be giving from an empty well. Being emotionally in tune and an empathetic person means that I give a lot more than I get back a lot of the time, and not being able to help someone because I can barely help myself is the worst feeling in the world. Anxiety takes its toll on my emotions, and makes them feel about 1000% heavier than they really are. Anxiety is selfish. It steals my love and compassion and turns them into fear, anger, and sadness, immobilizing me. I can't give love, if I don't get love back, but mommahood is thankless, tired, repetitive work. I also struggle asking for help when I need it. I want to appear put together and not like the anxious mess of crazy rampaging thoughts that I really am, so I isolate myself, rather than becoming vulnerable, and reaching out.

Always Prepared

Look to an anxious person when you need stuff and you aren't at home. The boy scout motto "be prepared" is an understatement.

Pro: I find myself, and I think others do this as well, sometimes jumping to the worst case scenario. Okay, maybe more than sometimes, but still. The point I'm trying to get across is that when I go out with my kiddos, I am always ultra prepared with at least the basics for most scenarios. Snacks? Got 'em. For me and the kids? Done. Toys? Yup. Diapers? Check. Wipes? Definitely. Hand sanitizer? You got it. Bandaids? Yup. Water? For sure! Motrin in case I get a headache? Yes. Gum? Uh huh. Back up clothes for each kid? Check, check, check. Sunscreen? Why not? Plastic bag to place soiled clothes in? Got it. Nursing cover? Check! Pacifier? Attached to the baby. Blanket for said baby? Also with the baby. Cell phone? Done. Credit cards? Yup... The list goes on. Point is, you need it? I have it. Most of the time. If I don't? I'm so sorry... I am learning to differentiate between what could really happen and what couldn't. But let's face it, we can't control everything, so being prepared is my way of coping. Dealing with the things I CAN control. And praying. Lots and lots of praying.

Con: I wake up, and before I even get out of bed, you can bet I've thought about what I would do if someone with a knife or a gun broke into my house, and how I would protect my family from the intruder, what I would do if one or all my family members died, and how awful it would be if I died, leaving my husband and children alone. Phew! What a morning. I am constantly plagued with these irrational, what/if scenarios. The current plague is about a car accident killing my husband. Every time he leaves the house I worry that he won't come back. Talk about your Debbie downer right? I have thought through all the awfulness that accompanies this scenario and know what I would do if that horrible day ever comes. On a different note, it takes me FOREVER to get ready to go anywhere, because I have to be painstakingly thorough with the preparations. Also? My diaper bag weighs like 30 lbs. Just ask my husband. It's his favorite.

You guys. Anxiety is a really real thing that plagues a lot of people today. It takes on many different shapes and forms, but is so very real to the people it touches. Know that you do not struggle alone, nor do you need to suffer in silence. My favorite pro that I've gained from my experiences with fighting my demons is the relationship I have with my husband. He has been my rock. My port in the storm, my safe place, and my comforter. Strong but silent. Always willing to stand by me and take my hand when I'm too weak to fight it alone. I love him and the way that we've learned to cope with my struggles together. He's never once given up on me. My other ace in the hole is my bestie. She has heard me on my darkest days, and been with me on my best days. I couldn't imagine a better guiding light, and pillar of strength than her. She is one of the strongest women I know. Good can come of this disease. This is not the end. Rather the beginning of a beautiful journey toward a more grounded, and stable you. You got this.